Shh Yanny, Shh Face, Shh Doushka, for the tale is about to begin
A tale of Africa, of affluence, and of course the temptation of sin,
Homer had Odysseus, Virgil Aeneas, and here we have James Mark
But on with the tale and let us show both the light and the dark.
I take you back 70 years - what 70 years you say?
Well, he’s not as fast as he was and his beard is rather grey
I take you back to the streets of India’s Calcutta
More nans and curry than surrey's bread and butter
So on Jan 27 James Mark was born - yes no other
He was the first born - no Joanna yet or Gillon his brother
Yes he was a sweet little baby and in no way weird
You see back then grand-children he had not yet his beard.
Amongst the heat, amongst the tea he grew up till he was six
Then alas he was packed off to England for his discipline fix
First prep school, then it was off to Rugby School
The question still remains - was he one of the squares or was he quite cool?
He got his grades, then it was time to earn a crust
After all who could he woo on bread and dust?
He thus joined BAT, turning down joining a firm of bankers
They’re all the same, he later remarked, a bunch of wankers
He was transferred quickly, off to Africa’s West Coast
He drove fast cars, drank loads of whisky, he later did boast
So like the wildebeest around the arid plains did he roam
But unlike the wildebeest he nearly always came home alone
Then one hot night, while the crickets they did sing
On fate’s Saharan doorbell Love did ring
For there was a pretty Devon lass doing a turn on the floor
Our hero licked his lips, he wanted more.
"I’m not ready yet" she cried "You see the world awaits",
So Dad lit a fag and went and got drunk with his mates
But he was not finished yet, for he had Cupid’s powers,
And so at every port our story’s maiden was met with flowers.
For seven years so did he woo, never did he linger
Until at last he won and put that ring on her finger
They moved to Walton-on-Thames - Dad worked in Woking
Their house got flooded and everything got soaking
Not long after was the patter of tiny tiny feet
Enter Julius James who as we know was ever so sweet
In fact he later became a model on the telly
You’d never believe me now looking at his belly.
Not long after for Mum it was once more unto the breech
Lo and behold Emily Kate was born with a mighty screech
And weirdly enough she was born on the same day as our gran
Of course says my mum that was always the plan.
And now it was time to move to a different place
So dad put his squash racquets and golf clubs into a case
And packed the four of us to Cyprus in the med
Emily still does not know where that is so it has been said.
Amongst the vines, the grapes, it was a wonderful life
Yanny and Face were cherubs like husband and wife
But something was missing, like a taxman without a bill,
So with great joy entered the legend Thomas Will.
So if four was a crowd then five was just right
That did not mean things did not go without a fight
And when it got ugly dad could always go and play squash
Fair enough for it was he who brought in the dosh.
After four years, the family then returned to haslemere surrey
How far dad had come since that very first curry
By day he worked in Woking, by night he played on the court
Then he put the ducks to bed, they were so well taught!
That was not all, for the poor man had other duties
For as well to school he used to drive his little cuties
Emily suffered the most with Rosamand and her clan
"Come on Rudolph I think I can I think I can" so dad sang
Holidays were taken in Prawle in a field in Devon
Five in a trailer tent it was body odor heaven
Dad used to make us run to the sea and back
And time us if we were on the athletics track
About now though the family’s fate took another twist
It was off to the orient and good-bye to the mist
Day got a pay rise and paid bugger all in tax
He now had a big merc to play his musical tracks
We lived on the top quite near the Peak Tram
With Ah Kwok, Ah Ying and the cool Ah Kam
There was a bell on the table when we finished our meal
At times our lives were quite unreal.
Mum played tennis and guess what - dad played squash
Us kids got pissed and ate Chinese nosh
We went out on the boat the famous Ying Mei
And drank in the sun day after day
Dad worked very hard and mum worked for Project Trust
For us days by the pool were an absolute must
But after 8 great years it was about time to head back
To swop our shorts for a burberry mac
Dad also took this opportunity to finally retire
He had single-handedly pulled BAT out of the mire
To celebrate he took mum on a round the world trip
Of course, his golf clubs not far away from his grip
But back in blighty Dad was not done yet
So he learnt Russian again - like "Ya" and "Nyet"
He had stopped his squash, but bought a new hip
And now on walks often gives doushka the slip
There was a day at golf when he did get run over
At least it was by a lotus and not a crappy rover
he ended up in hospital with a needle and thread
as the doctor put his ear back onto his head
Dad also turned his hand to computers and to cooking
Some of his curries can be quite funny looking
He is the master of the vindaloo with plenty of prawn
He takes his time and starts cooking at dawn
All his kids are now married and he has grandchildren five
So I suppose he’s achieved quite a lot since he’s been alive
So Dad you can sit there smugly it’s quite all right
To see you here at seventy is quite a sight.
Then there are our other halves – Wendy, Monty and Tee
Who have been amazed and delighted by your generosity
So much so you have your own name – you are the mercurial Dash
Perhaps you should shave your beard and leave a pencil thin ‘tash.
So now it’s time to wrap, to say a final well done
You’ve filled our lives with love and tremendous amount of fun
So let’s raise a toast and salute the man over there
Happy Birthday Dad, you really are quite rare.
A tale of Africa, of affluence, and of course the temptation of sin,
Homer had Odysseus, Virgil Aeneas, and here we have James Mark
But on with the tale and let us show both the light and the dark.
I take you back 70 years - what 70 years you say?
Well, he’s not as fast as he was and his beard is rather grey
I take you back to the streets of India’s Calcutta
More nans and curry than surrey's bread and butter
So on Jan 27 James Mark was born - yes no other
He was the first born - no Joanna yet or Gillon his brother
Yes he was a sweet little baby and in no way weird
You see back then grand-children he had not yet his beard.
Amongst the heat, amongst the tea he grew up till he was six
Then alas he was packed off to England for his discipline fix
First prep school, then it was off to Rugby School
The question still remains - was he one of the squares or was he quite cool?
He got his grades, then it was time to earn a crust
After all who could he woo on bread and dust?
He thus joined BAT, turning down joining a firm of bankers
They’re all the same, he later remarked, a bunch of wankers
He was transferred quickly, off to Africa’s West Coast
He drove fast cars, drank loads of whisky, he later did boast
So like the wildebeest around the arid plains did he roam
But unlike the wildebeest he nearly always came home alone
Then one hot night, while the crickets they did sing
On fate’s Saharan doorbell Love did ring
For there was a pretty Devon lass doing a turn on the floor
Our hero licked his lips, he wanted more.
"I’m not ready yet" she cried "You see the world awaits",
So Dad lit a fag and went and got drunk with his mates
But he was not finished yet, for he had Cupid’s powers,
And so at every port our story’s maiden was met with flowers.
For seven years so did he woo, never did he linger
Until at last he won and put that ring on her finger
They moved to Walton-on-Thames - Dad worked in Woking
Their house got flooded and everything got soaking
Not long after was the patter of tiny tiny feet
Enter Julius James who as we know was ever so sweet
In fact he later became a model on the telly
You’d never believe me now looking at his belly.
Not long after for Mum it was once more unto the breech
Lo and behold Emily Kate was born with a mighty screech
And weirdly enough she was born on the same day as our gran
Of course says my mum that was always the plan.
And now it was time to move to a different place
So dad put his squash racquets and golf clubs into a case
And packed the four of us to Cyprus in the med
Emily still does not know where that is so it has been said.
Amongst the vines, the grapes, it was a wonderful life
Yanny and Face were cherubs like husband and wife
But something was missing, like a taxman without a bill,
So with great joy entered the legend Thomas Will.
So if four was a crowd then five was just right
That did not mean things did not go without a fight
And when it got ugly dad could always go and play squash
Fair enough for it was he who brought in the dosh.
After four years, the family then returned to haslemere surrey
How far dad had come since that very first curry
By day he worked in Woking, by night he played on the court
Then he put the ducks to bed, they were so well taught!
That was not all, for the poor man had other duties
For as well to school he used to drive his little cuties
Emily suffered the most with Rosamand and her clan
"Come on Rudolph I think I can I think I can" so dad sang
Holidays were taken in Prawle in a field in Devon
Five in a trailer tent it was body odor heaven
Dad used to make us run to the sea and back
And time us if we were on the athletics track
About now though the family’s fate took another twist
It was off to the orient and good-bye to the mist
Day got a pay rise and paid bugger all in tax
He now had a big merc to play his musical tracks
We lived on the top quite near the Peak Tram
With Ah Kwok, Ah Ying and the cool Ah Kam
There was a bell on the table when we finished our meal
At times our lives were quite unreal.
Mum played tennis and guess what - dad played squash
Us kids got pissed and ate Chinese nosh
We went out on the boat the famous Ying Mei
And drank in the sun day after day
Dad worked very hard and mum worked for Project Trust
For us days by the pool were an absolute must
But after 8 great years it was about time to head back
To swop our shorts for a burberry mac
Dad also took this opportunity to finally retire
He had single-handedly pulled BAT out of the mire
To celebrate he took mum on a round the world trip
Of course, his golf clubs not far away from his grip
But back in blighty Dad was not done yet
So he learnt Russian again - like "Ya" and "Nyet"
He had stopped his squash, but bought a new hip
And now on walks often gives doushka the slip
There was a day at golf when he did get run over
At least it was by a lotus and not a crappy rover
he ended up in hospital with a needle and thread
as the doctor put his ear back onto his head
Dad also turned his hand to computers and to cooking
Some of his curries can be quite funny looking
He is the master of the vindaloo with plenty of prawn
He takes his time and starts cooking at dawn
All his kids are now married and he has grandchildren five
So I suppose he’s achieved quite a lot since he’s been alive
So Dad you can sit there smugly it’s quite all right
To see you here at seventy is quite a sight.
Then there are our other halves – Wendy, Monty and Tee
Who have been amazed and delighted by your generosity
So much so you have your own name – you are the mercurial Dash
Perhaps you should shave your beard and leave a pencil thin ‘tash.
So now it’s time to wrap, to say a final well done
You’ve filled our lives with love and tremendous amount of fun
So let’s raise a toast and salute the man over there
Happy Birthday Dad, you really are quite rare.